Are Your Kids too Fragile?

At a recent presentation in Northwest Harris County, marriage and family therapist Keith McCurdy shared some stunning statistics:  while in 1986 the ratio of children taking prescribed psychotropic medications was 1 in 400, by 2000 the figure had risen to 1 in 40, and by 2013 it was 1 in 13.  McCurdy suggested new figures coming out this year will indicate that the ratio is now about 1 in 8. 

 

But McCurdy does not advocate abruptly removing these medications from the population, and notes that there are legitimate applications.  Instead, he suggests that the rise is a symptom of other societal issues, including the problem of raising our children to be “fragile.”

As the mental health field has progressed from Freudian-ism, to Behaviorism, and most recently to an emphasis on cultivating self-esteem, according to McCurdy our family dynamics have evolved as well.  Over the last 50 years family structure has transformed from recognizing parents as authorities, to a kind of loose ‘democracy,’ to a new ‘therapeutic’ model, in which the most important aspect of parenting is to protect the emotional state of the children.

The problem with emphasizing emotions is that emotions do not necessarily reflect reality.  “Emotions are not a reliable means for discovering truth,” said McCurdy.  He pointed out that while we might experience fear when approached in a dark alley, on awakening from a nightmare, or during a scary movie, our fear reflects actual danger in only one of those situations. 

Modern Parents Over-Provide and Under-Require

 

The remedy for fragility McCurdy recommends is a multi-faceted effort to raise sturdy children.  While in the past most American children contributed to the running of a household, farm, or other family business, parents now tend to “over-provide and under-require.”  Consequently, children and teens do not see themselves as capable and valued contributors to the household.  Their self-esteem may have been artificially stoked by participation trophies and lavish praise, but they lack the self-confidence that comes from actual contributions and accomplishments.

 

McCurdy offered parents four guidelines for raising sturdy kids:

Establish boundaries by clearly communicating what your family does and does not do.  For example, “We do eat dinner together without the television on,” or “We do not allow phones or electronic devices at meals.”  When formulating family culture rules, McCurdy reminded parents that nothing in life is actually neutral.

Do Less and Require More.  McCurdy noted that adults who had done chores as children reported the highest ratings of life satisfaction as adults.  There is nothing you do to maintain your home that your teenage children cannot also do, and hiring maid or lawn services is depriving your children of opportunities to learn and grow into sturdy adults. 

 

Connect Cause and Effect.  While you cannot force your child to complete homework, you can allow the consequences of their choices to play out.  Once homework is done, children should then provide ‘service to the home,’ and then they are free to enjoy other activities such as playing outside or with toys. But…

Limit Technology.  Some sources report that modern children have as much as 7 hours a day of “screen-time” and most pediatricians recommend limiting technology use to 1-2 hours per day.  McCurdy suggests further limits and video games are completely off limits in his home.  He notes that modern games, as well as smart phones, stimulate the brain in the “cocaine model,” and promote addiction.  Furthermore, first-person-player games may increase our attentiveness to random stimulus, but dramatically reduce our ability to stay on task in the absence of game-like stimulation.

  

McCurdy assured parents of teens that it is never too late to implement changes.  If your kids already own gaming systems, he suggested setting a moratorium on any new systems or games.  For all kids, parents should set expectations for children centered on showing respect, and fulfilling responsibilities related to home and school.  When those are met, kids may enjoy in-home freedom and privileges (sans technology hopefully,) and then expand to reasonable out-of-home freedom & privileges. 

 

Rather than protecting our children from unpleasant emotions and misguided attempts to build self-esteem, McCurdy asserts our target should be mature, functional adults, who are sturdy enough to withstand the realities of life.